Today is day 100 for me in my recovery from pornography and masturbation. When I talk about my addictions, I usually say that I am a grateful recovering addict to pornography, masturbation, and lust in general. I didn't discover that lust was the root of my struggles with pornography and masturbation until I has started my recovery and gained some sobriety, so I can probably only say that I have been sober from lust for about 70 days.
Wow! I am grateful to be where I am today. It seems like I have grown a lot in the last 100 days. I have learned so much about myself and about my addictions. I wanted to write this blog to share my journey. I hope someone else can benefit from the things that I have learned. I hope that as I share my recovery, that someone else can use what I share to help them in their recovery.
The thing that I first learned that put me on the path to recovery was that I wasn't dealing with a little problem. Pornography and masturbation have been a part of my life for almost 25 years. I started when I was about 12 years old. I think it was curiosity that got me to start looking at porn and then experiment with masturbation. but the highs kept me coming back again and again. I think that I always knew what I was doing was wrong. My dad was my bishop and I was the deacon's quorum president. I remember doing interviews with bishopric members and being told to talk to the bishop. I would confess my sins and be told to not do it again. I would repeat this process again and again throughout my teenage years and throughout my entire life.
Reading "Sitting in a battleship throwing marbles at a battleship"was the first thing that I read that showed me that my problem was bigger than I had ever understood before. Reading this collection of essays is what convinced me that I needed to go to a 12 step PASG meeting. I had relapsed, so I went and talked to my bishop. He has already taken my temple recommend away in a previous visit. I told him that I was ready to go to a group meeting and that I would let him know how it went. I was pretty scared to go to a meeting, but I just did it anyway. It would be one of the best decisions of my life. The spirit was so strong in the PASG meeting. Others who were addicted to pornography and masturbation were there sharing what was helping them to stay sober and to recover from their addictions. After attending the meeting, it was solidified in my mind that I was addict and that I had to do something about it. I attended the SA meeting as well because the author of Marbles and Rowboats talked about how their program was more advanced that the churches PASG meetings. I got a lazy or coplacent and only attended meetings that first week. About 3 weeks later, I ended up relapsing and I again relapsed about 2 weeks after that. After two different relapses I decided that I really needed to get serious about my recovery. I had only read in the 12 step and SA books a little bit, and only on a couple of occasions. I decided that I really needed someone to help me work the program (12 steps). I needed a sponsor. Sponsors are talked about openly in SA but rarely mentioned in the church's PASG meetings. I did the only thing I knew to do to find a sponsor. I Googled it. "ARP lds sponsor." That took me to PASGWORKS.com, which pointed me to arpsupport.org. I read much of the PASGWORKS.com website and the posts there. I read he arpsupport.org website, and then I filled out the little from to request a sponsor. Someone responded to me within 24 hours and within 48 hours I had a sponsor assigned to me. I called him on the phone (he lived in Arizona) and we ended up talking for about an hour. He set me up to start the 90 day program that was developed to help people follow the church's ARP 12 step program.
The 90 day program that my sponsor has had me following has been huge in my life. I had to commit to following a few rules:
I. Attend 2 ARP/PASG meetings each week
II. Daily Accountability - Email both of these to my sponsor every single day
a. morning step work
b. evening journal entry
III. Daily Scripture study and prayer
VI. Weekly "Return and Report" - We have a phone call every week to review the step work I have done throughout the week
I had to commit 90 days of focus and effort to this process. If I relapsed or if I was not committed enough in my efforts, I would have to start the program over.
I have not relapsed since I started the program, but my sponsor has thought that I was not diligent enough in my working the program, and I have had to start the program over twice. For me, it is not about getting through the program, it is about finding full recovery and permanent sobriety.
This accountability has been huge for me. I love having help working the program, and someone to report to on my progress.
Working the program has really helped me make some changes that have been really hard for me in my life. Giving up all lust was giving up one of my coping mechanisms for life. I would use substitute thing to cope with life, like playing video games, or watching TV. In general, I was just trying to avoid living real life, and dealing with the problems of real life. I learned that I needed to give up these substitute coping mechanisms and deal with the real problems. Step 3 has really helped me know that I can give my life to God and trust in Him to take care of me.
To summarize what has been most important in my recovery to date:
1. Get a sponsor - You will not be able to work the program and recover alone. It just is not done. The only few I have seen have success without a sponsor attend ARP/PASG meetings every day.
2. Work the steps every day - The 90 day program really help you to work the steps on a daily basis.
3. Gratitude Journal every night - The 90 day program really help with this as well.
4. Do your dailies (scripture study and prayer)
5. Go to ARP/PASG meetings. You should be attending a minimum of 2. Go to more if you are still struggling to maintain sobriety.
6. Talk to your bishop - Make sure your bishop is in the loop. He desires your recovery and can be a great strength through this process.
7. Be transparent in all areas of your life. Don't try to hide what you are doing from others.
I hope that someone benefits from my thoughts.
